What would Judas drive?

What would Judas Iscariot, the disciple who betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, put in his garage? Easy. The Dodge Demon. 0-60 in 2.3 seconds, and then straight to hell. The guy was literally possessed by the prince of all demons (Luke 22:3). There’s no other option.

Then again, maybe a Demon is too good for Judas. If he did betray the Savior of the world, we probably shouldn’t give him one of the most significant new cars currently on the market. Perhaps I should care less about the moniker and more about the character of the car. Judas epitomized selfishness and greed. He’d stab you in the back for your loose change. He was awful.

So, what’s the most awful car ever sold?

According to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS), the Kia Rio kills more drivers than any other modern car. Plus, it’s boring. With just 110 horsepower on tap, it takes a whopping 12.3 seconds to get to 60, by which time the Demon has completed the quarter mile at 140mph, exited the drag strip, pulled in to Sonic, and ordered a Sriracha slushy.

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Then there’s the Pontiac Fiero, which has the unfortunate habit of spontaneously bursting in to flames due to poorly designed wiring and coolant piping. It also wears some of the worst home-built, kit-car modifications of all time. All hail the Fiero “Enzo.”

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Speaking of bursting in to flames, the Ford Pinto and Judas Iscariot deserve each other. They’ll both betray you. The only redeeming quality of the Pinto as far as I can tell was that it served as an effective anti-Nazi bomb in the 80’s classic “Top Secret.”

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Yet for all their faults, the Pinto, Fiero, and Rio can’t match the sheer evil behind the Chevrolet Cobalt and its sister GM products built with knowingly faulty ignition switches. As of 2015, 124 people had been killed by this defective part, and many more injured. This went beyond mere incompetence. When made aware of the failures, GM management chose to cover it up. The body-count kept growing until the government finally intervened.

So, if Judas Iscariot, betrayer of Jesus, were to drive a car befitting his character, it would be a not-yet-repaired 2005 2.2L Chevy Cobalt. With an automatic. In burnt orange (gig ’em).

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Thanks for reading. As always, comments, likes, and contrary opinions are welcome and appreciated! Just a reminder, this article is only meant in jest. To owners of Pintos, Rios, Cobalts, and Fieros, my apologies to you. If it runs and you like it, God bless you 😉

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